I suppose I should explain my lengthy absence.

Originally, it was indeed that I had encountered what I assume was burnout: I felt that trying to find something to say about everything was starting to pall, and I started procrastinating on actually updating the blog. I still liked to watch and enjoy anime, but maintaining a blog about it was tedious and troublesome. I found myself wishing that I could just wish the words in my head to appear, correctly-spelled and grammatically coherent, on the screen, without having to go through the keyboard and finding a suitable picture and whatnot.

So burnout it was; no big deal, and I could always take a break and come back later. If I ended up not coming back, well, at least I had something of a good run.

Besides, I was trying to pick up a job. I set a goal for myself: when I got a job, I would start posting on this blog again. If I got my interest in blogging back earlier, well and good, but the best case scenario was that I would start blogging again when I became a productive member of society.

Things started looking up after a few months. I had a few blog posts worked out in concept, and an inadvertant break in anime-watching made me realize that I really did miss anime when I wasn't watching. I was on track to start blogging again, starting perhaps with a series of rambling posts on the whole Touhou thing. I was feeling kind of upbeat about this whole blogging deal, and if I started blogging early before actually getting a job (which I did get, in the end), well, so be it.

And then my father had a stroke.

He didn't make it.

It's been a few more months since then. I'm still kind of picking up the pieces here, in the sort of way when I don't actually feel like doing any picking-up of anything. I don't know when something will set me off, or when I'll be watching something and enjoying it and then a tiny little voice inside my head cuts through: "Glad to see you're enjoying yourself. By the way, your father's dead."

I don't know what that will mean for this blog. I keep thinking that I should try to update it anyway: life goes on, right? But the rational approach doesn't seem to help when I pop my head out of my room to ask my father about some clarification of a random tidbit of general knowledge, only to remember just a few moments too late. Sometimes, when commuting, I get great ideas for blog posts that I make notes about, intending to write them when I get home.

And then I come home and remember and I don't feel like writing anymore.

So, in all, I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe I'll post some stuff now and again; maybe not. I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay for me to start to enjoy things again, to have a normal life. It's not easy, but sometimes I can even forget that I can't have any more enthusiastic conversations with my father about blogging the latest Japanese restaurant that opened nearby, or the convenience of my smartphone, or the latest trends in computer hardware, or indeed about anything else. It's anime; it's meant to be entertainment. It's okay.

It's okay.

This post was written because several people have asked me why I haven't updated my anime blog. I never know what to say then; they ask me the question in a jovial tone, and I try to remember that every teasing remark or misunderstanding is not actually malicious. The honestly-curious or honestly-concerned questions are even worse, since I know they expect a simple answer like "well, just burnout" or something, and I don't want to bring the mood down even more by mentioning the real reason, leaving everyone just standing around looking awkwardly at each other.

9 Responses to “Absence”
  1. GreyDuck says:

    Man, you're not "bringing down the mood" by being honest with us, especially given the loss of your father. That's 100% understandable.

    Take your time, and if you get back into the swing of writing, we'll be here. If life takes you another direction, then hey, we had our good times, eh? No worries.

  2. Aanusha says:

    I'm so glad you're back! I check your blog every so often hoping for a new post, and finally, today I was rewarded! Welcome back, DK!

  3. Mike says:

    What GreyDuck said. We'll be happy to welcome you back if you decide to start writing again. If not, thanks for all the great posts of the past. :)

    (I just wrote a longer reply and then realized I was just subconsciously paraphrasing GreyDuck so, yeah… +1 to that.)

  4. Rick says:

    Sorry to hear that… take your time. Just don't let the bad experiences take over your life. Do whatever you want, as long as you're happy.

    Hope you get better soon.

  5. Wonderduck says:

    For the first few months after Momzerduck passed away, I didn't want to do much of anything. I'd go to work, come home, eat a slice of bread and some macaroni salad for dinner, then sit in my armchair until it was time for bed. Sometimes I'd even turn the light on when it got dark outside. Sometimes I wouldn't. I kept blogging, but only because it was the middle of the F1 season.

    It's two years later, and I still find myself staring at the wall sometimes. What it comes down to is that it does get better. The feeling of loss doesn't go away, but it won't dominate your thinking forever. I'm sure it's hard to believe that now, and I felt the same way.

    If blogging doesn't help, let it go. I'll miss reading Moe Check, but a person's real life always takes priority. If it DOES help, we'll be here to welcome you back… and if there's anything we can do, let us know!

  6. Cork says:

    Everything I'd say has already been said. Just wanted to show there's one more person out there who understands.

  7. Spectreblade says:

    I send my condolences, too. Things were tough for me when my father died. Though my father died of gallbladder cancer, and it was something that my family could see coming, which helped to soften the blow. Most of my mourning actually happened during the months leading up to his death when he was in the hospital, and when it happened, there was also a sense of relief that his suffering was over along with the sadness of his passing.

    If you decide to start writing for this blog again, I'll be looking forward to it. And if not, then I'd like to thank you for all the entertaining posts you've made. There are quite a few shows that I ended up being a fan of after first hearing about them on this blog. So, thank you!

  8. Estavali says:

    I'm sorry about your father's passing. Just do what you think is right now. I pray that you will find strength to keep moving with your father's blessings from the other world (may he be in peace!).

  9. Chevy787 says:

    I really love your blog, and I read it in the past quite often just to try and match your writing style while reading something interesting.

    I wish you luck in everything you do, and as others said, I'm sure your life will somehow improve. Just don't give up.
    For now, I'd be like you and take a break.
    Just remember, you have a reader here who would love to see more posts when you decide to jump back into action :)