Archive for October, 2011

I suppose I should explain my lengthy absence.

Originally, it was indeed that I had encountered what I assume was burnout: I felt that trying to find something to say about everything was starting to pall, and I started procrastinating on actually updating the blog. I still liked to watch and enjoy anime, but maintaining a blog about it was tedious and troublesome. I found myself wishing that I could just wish the words in my head to appear, correctly-spelled and grammatically coherent, on the screen, without having to go through the keyboard and finding a suitable picture and whatnot.

So burnout it was; no big deal, and I could always take a break and come back later. If I ended up not coming back, well, at least I had something of a good run.

Besides, I was trying to pick up a job. I set a goal for myself: when I got a job, I would start posting on this blog again. If I got my interest in blogging back earlier, well and good, but the best case scenario was that I would start blogging again when I became a productive member of society.

Things started looking up after a few months. I had a few blog posts worked out in concept, and an inadvertant break in anime-watching made me realize that I really did miss anime when I wasn't watching. I was on track to start blogging again, starting perhaps with a series of rambling posts on the whole Touhou thing. I was feeling kind of upbeat about this whole blogging deal, and if I started blogging early before actually getting a job (which I did get, in the end), well, so be it.

And then my father had a stroke.

He didn't make it.

It's been a few more months since then. I'm still kind of picking up the pieces here, in the sort of way when I don't actually feel like doing any picking-up of anything. I don't know when something will set me off, or when I'll be watching something and enjoying it and then a tiny little voice inside my head cuts through: "Glad to see you're enjoying yourself. By the way, your father's dead."

I don't know what that will mean for this blog. I keep thinking that I should try to update it anyway: life goes on, right? But the rational approach doesn't seem to help when I pop my head out of my room to ask my father about some clarification of a random tidbit of general knowledge, only to remember just a few moments too late. Sometimes, when commuting, I get great ideas for blog posts that I make notes about, intending to write them when I get home.

And then I come home and remember and I don't feel like writing anymore.

So, in all, I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe I'll post some stuff now and again; maybe not. I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay for me to start to enjoy things again, to have a normal life. It's not easy, but sometimes I can even forget that I can't have any more enthusiastic conversations with my father about blogging the latest Japanese restaurant that opened nearby, or the convenience of my smartphone, or the latest trends in computer hardware, or indeed about anything else. It's anime; it's meant to be entertainment. It's okay.

It's okay.

This post was written because several people have asked me why I haven't updated my anime blog. I never know what to say then; they ask me the question in a jovial tone, and I try to remember that every teasing remark or misunderstanding is not actually malicious. The honestly-curious or honestly-concerned questions are even worse, since I know they expect a simple answer like "well, just burnout" or something, and I don't want to bring the mood down even more by mentioning the real reason, leaving everyone just standing around looking awkwardly at each other.

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