Archive for November 5th, 2009

I have a rather bad temper.

This really should be no surprise to anyone who knows me. I think what does cause confusion among people who only read my forum postings or my blog stuff is that I have somewhat different triggers for what sets me off.

One of these, and indeed a major one that will cause me to fume impotently behind my computer screen for hours on end (if not days), is people assuming motives for me. Stuff like "You're doing this to look cool" or "You're just trolling for attention" make me want to scream at the other person: "Don't you dare pretend to know why I did what I did!"

I can't help it. I think it's incredibly rude and unwarranted; I also know that I'm in a very tiny minority who thinks like that, especially on the Internet. I know that it doesn't matter what some random person out there in the world thinks of me.

But there's a difference between knowing something, and accepting something.

I always assume by default that when someone says something, or more likely posts something on the Internet, if it's not an obvious joke (and it usually has to be quite obvious, because of the text-only nature of communication on forums and blogs), that person actually does believe what they're saying, and they are welcoming of honest, polite, and friendly discussion on the matter. This is because that is exactly my state of mind when posting; it's always a major wrench in mindset to realize that this is not the case for everyone.

If I get my facts wrong, I will try my best to acknowledge it, in the comments if nothing else. (I don't like editing posts on this blog because of some really annoying problems that crop up occasionally due to conflicting WordPress plugins. On Livejournal it's a simple matter, but here…)

So with a comment like that, I see "OP not cool", and think "well, that's true, I never said I was".

Then I come across "OP just wants attention".


Yes, for that post I would welcome further discussion, and this is obviously impossible without some form of attention. But to say that I wrote that post for attention itself is just wrong. That post came about through some stitching together of disjointed notes and thoughts, and put up because I had nothing else prepared for my Two Posts Per Week. The sum amount of thought put into that post may be substantial, but it's all disjointed; actually posting the thing was a result of "hey, what do I have in my drafts Notepad file? Here's something substantial, let's go grab a tangentially-related pic from my collection and post it up before midnight."

And the anger that arose from that comment is not because of the content, which, when I got past the beginning, I found to be a valid contribution to the discussion (unlike the constant advertising spam), but only because of the pretense at omniscience, of attributing a motive to me that was entirely, thoroughly wrong.

Seriously. If it had been "OP did not think this post through at all", it would be accurate, and I would have cheerfully accepted it. But since it's seldom obvious which possible motive I might have had in doing whatever I did (I usually think it's obvious, but I am not Everyone Else), it's best not to guess.

I'm posting this here because I just realized that This Is My Blog, and I can actually say something about it. This is kind of a buildup from other comments on various forums, which cast aspersions on my reasons for doing this blog. I know of these comments thanks to the Incoming Links feature of WordPress Stats, and so I am exercising Right of Reply.

I am currently writing for this blog mostly on sheer bloody-minded stubbornness. That is what informs the posts I have been making; not because I have Something To Say, but because I have Nothing To Say, but Need To Say It Anyway.

And I am afraid of declaring burnout, not because of what it means, but because of what it may result in.

The last time I burned out resulted in something that I've seen linked to in very many places, resulting in an even greater need to maintain a certain standard that I did not even know existed. I've seen GamerS critiqued and analyzed as though it had been planned, something that I sat down to sketch out at least the broad outlines thereof and had some sort of goal in mind, and I don't know why.

This is fairly stressful. The longest I've ever planned the content of a GamerS comic for was half an hour, and it's apparently one of the weaker ones. The "good" ones (which seem to get linked to a lot) are those which I came up with pretty much on the spot.

I came up with GamerS as an escape from responsibility, not as an additional burden.

I'm obviously still going to continue GamerS, since it does relax me, and if I'm in the mood, I can churn them out like nothing. Contrary to the belief of many, I also have not forgotten about the CCS Episode Summaries, but I am carefully not doing them because, as I may have mentioned before elsewhere, I have no more time to watch anime for fun; not without dropping this blog.

I'm not whining about the blog taking up my time. I am complaining about the way people keep misunderstanding why the posts on this blog are the way they are.

And the motives for this post? Quite simply, I'd like something to link to the next time someone else does something on my blog that makes me reply in a snippy and annoyed manner.

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